Behind These Purple Eyes

Yes, this blog is turning into a place for me to complain about my pathetic lovelife. I’m deeply sorry for that, but not sorry enough to stop. The thing is, my dear Watson, it’s not that I want a boyfriend or a relationship because everyone else has one. I want someone because I have been alone for far too long. I deserve love, don’t I?

Yes, I kill people. But you know what? I have to and I didn’t decide to become a vampire. Unlike some annoying, winey vegetarians, I don’t view myself as a monster. I view myself as what I am, a vampire, and eating humans is what vampires do. Sorry that I prefer to be a cliche.

So you know what I almost did today? Before I came to my senses? I almost went out and found a human, a damn human, to become my life partner. I’m sorry, but there is no way in hell that I am pulling an Edward. Besides the fact that falling in love with a human is completely deranged, it is against our laws. You aren’t supposed to tell humans about vampires, ever, under any curcumstances. Just because you turn them into a vampire afterwards doesn’t make it right. And besides that, Edward didn’t even plan to turn Bella into a vampire when he told her EVERYTHING about us. That kind of pissed me off, but whatever.

On a completely different note, I’m really happy about my current family standing. Everyone is happy for once and so what if I’m not lucky enough to experience that. I just met Felix’s girlfriend, soon I will be partaking in Ren and Santiago’s wedding and best off all, Jane hasn’t been running around torturing everyone! Uhm, not that she did before, or anything….

I don’t have much else to say, actually I have nothing else to say, but I don’t want to stop writing. Mainly because I have nothing else to do. Twitter is slow going, so that’s a bust. Isn’t being in the Volturi guard supposedly action packed and amazing? It is, don’t get me wrong, but these days I just can’t seem to keep busy. I have to occupy my time for the rest of eternity, I was bound to hit a slow spot.
Also, I think I should add that I don’t hate the Cullens. Those two years were a bit irritating, but I think that all in all, the Volturis and the Cullens are on good terms. I was just venting in that one paragraph. I also don’t usually cuss, that’s Fe’s area, but sometimes that just illustrates the point better.

5/18/09

So it seems everyone has someone but me. I’ve seen what has happened, how my families’ lives have been turned upside down because of their mates, but I don’t care. I want one, I need one. i’m getting awfully tired of being alone.

I just want someone that will always be there for me. Yes, Ren, Jane, Beth, Athenodora, Sulpicia and Helene are my best friends and I love them terribly, but that’s much different than what I long for. God knows I would be devasted if I lost one of them, but the problem isn’t that I don’t love them. It is that nobody, no man, has every truly loved me. Aro, Fe, Cor, Marcus, Demetri, Alec, Caius and Santiago love me, but not at all in that way. And every guy who thought he loved me, that was just myself making them think that they loved me, if that makes sense.

I just never had another outlet for my power. When I first became a vampire and developed my ability, I ran around making guys fall in love with me, therefore causing them to buy me things, anything I desired. Nothing was too big or too smal. A new shirt? Not a problem. A house? He would build it with his own two hands. My power was spoiling me. I knew it, but I didn’t care. Even though all the adoration was fake, it felt wonderful.

I suppose the point is that one day, I grew up. I started to see through all the false admiration. I didn’t enjoy it anymore, I hated it. I struggled to keep my power reigned in. I tried building relationships based on trust. Most of my suitors were vampires as well, the way I felt was healthier for me. Humans were quicker to love, but I couldn’t keep my thirst under control. It took too much effort on my part on top of what I was already attempting to do.

Some have asked me about Demetri, “Aren’t you two, like, a thing?” No, we are not. There is a difference between dating and flirting. Sure, he is fun to flirt with, but I don’t think he’s ready for a serious commitment. I am looking for someone outside of the Volturis, like what Felix is doing. Because all those guys are my BROTHERS. And that is all they will ever be to me.

5/17/09

I decided to go shopping, for I was running out of clothes to go fishing in (in case you are not familiar with the term, fishing is going out and finding human prey). I cannot wear the same outfit twice, it’s just not in my nature. So I headed out to hit the streets for some new clothing.

First I headed off to actually do what I had set out to do : find some tops for fishing. So where did I go first? Why, Hot Topic, of course. I found some corsets and some vests that I thought would go nicely with my collection of clothing.

But I was easily distracted. I was almost able to waltz right past the Anthropologie store. Almost. I basically ran through the glass double-doors, grabbing every dress in sight. People stared, but probably due to my apperance, not my shopping tirade. Each dress cost over $100, but that’s nothing to me. Money is just something that falls into my lap.

After that, I felt a little guilty, so I fled to Forever 21. Thankfully, I found a black grommet dress, perfect for hunting. I’m sure the others will be pleased. I’ve been held up in my room, modeling my new wardrobe before my full length mirror to the sound of Madonna singing Vogue. I was gone for 3 hours and managed to purchase 32 articles of clothing. If shopping were an Olympic Sport, I’d win the gold medal easily.

5/16/09

Sitting in my room with a laptop, actually using it for something other than online databases. This couldn’t be true, could it? But alas, I am finally partaking in the online communtity and I am surprised to say that I enjoy it quite a bit. 

 Already I am obsessed. Considering I don’t need to sleep, I could be blogging or twittering (http://twitter.com/Lil_Heidi_V) all day and night, never ceasing. But, of course, I cannot do that for a couple reasons. One, that is extremely sad. I mean, who does that? Secondly, I have a job to do.

Preferably, this takes place once I week. I go out and find some humans that myself and the rest of my family can dine on. This means I have to wear skin tight clothing and make myself look alluring. What can I say? I do what I have to.

I don’t even know why I started this. I mean, I have a life. Don’t I? I have a family. Deffinently. I have friends. Online I do. But I think the truth is, I love this laptop and I love my virtual world. Have a problem with that?