5/18/09
So it seems everyone has someone but me. I’ve seen what has happened, how my families’ lives have been turned upside down because of their mates, but I don’t care. I want one, I need one. i’m getting awfully tired of being alone.
I just want someone that will always be there for me. Yes, Ren, Jane, Beth, Athenodora, Sulpicia and Helene are my best friends and I love them terribly, but that’s much different than what I long for. God knows I would be devasted if I lost one of them, but the problem isn’t that I don’t love them. It is that nobody, no man, has every truly loved me. Aro, Fe, Cor, Marcus, Demetri, Alec, Caius and Santiago love me, but not at all in that way. And every guy who thought he loved me, that was just myself making them think that they loved me, if that makes sense.
I just never had another outlet for my power. When I first became a vampire and developed my ability, I ran around making guys fall in love with me, therefore causing them to buy me things, anything I desired. Nothing was too big or too smal. A new shirt? Not a problem. A house? He would build it with his own two hands. My power was spoiling me. I knew it, but I didn’t care. Even though all the adoration was fake, it felt wonderful.
I suppose the point is that one day, I grew up. I started to see through all the false admiration. I didn’t enjoy it anymore, I hated it. I struggled to keep my power reigned in. I tried building relationships based on trust. Most of my suitors were vampires as well, the way I felt was healthier for me. Humans were quicker to love, but I couldn’t keep my thirst under control. It took too much effort on my part on top of what I was already attempting to do.
Some have asked me about Demetri, “Aren’t you two, like, a thing?” No, we are not. There is a difference between dating and flirting. Sure, he is fun to flirt with, but I don’t think he’s ready for a serious commitment. I am looking for someone outside of the Volturis, like what Felix is doing. Because all those guys are my BROTHERS. And that is all they will ever be to me.
